Good morning to my loyal followers (all 10 of you),
Today there is a two hour delay for school due to inclement weather (always wanted an excuse to say inclement, cause let's face it...who really does?)
As I lay in my bed trying to go back to sleep (for an extra 1 1/2 hours) I can't fall asleep...and then it hits me...."Wow, this just sucks".
Then that got me thinking about other things that "just suck". So not to start this morning as a negative Nelly, but here is my list of things that "just suck".
Not being able to fall back asleep for the rare snow delay...just sucks.
Craving ice cream, digging it out of the freezer to find it's all freezer burn...just sucks.
My ex-mother in law....just sucks.
Being behind a car in line at the bank that isn't ready for the teller...just sucks.
Being in an accident...just sucks
Having an accident...just sucks.
Lori White...just sucks.
Gaining weight...just sucks.
Being stood up...just sucks.
Having a tooth pulled....just sucks.
Flat soda...just sucks.
School lunches...just suck (except for....Shepards Pie, Turkey day, hot dogs, and taco's)
When your pet, pees on your stuff...just sucks
Having to go to the laundromat...just sucks.
Not winning the $350,000,000.00 jackpot...just sucks.
Car problems...just suck.
Sex with your husband, when you can't stand him anymore...just sucks (except for the new pair shoes, you get out of the deal).
When your child is sick...just sucks.
Doing dishes...just sucks.
Not having any money....just sucks
Having a yeast infection...just sucks
Not having a condom, when you REALLY need one...just sucks.
Having to shave...just sucks
Cleaning the toilet...just sucks.
Experimenting with dinner, being very excited for it, and it's awful...just sucks
When the waiter/waitress screw up your order...just sucks
Being fired....just sucks
Last but not least.....
Making a bagel, going in for the cream cheese, to find it's moldy...just sucks.
Yup, this is how my day has started....FML!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
The Power of the Punani!
Did anyone watch the Premiere of the Jersey Shore last week? What is happening to our daughters? Mothers teach your daughters the power of the Punani! We are slipping ladies, the men are in the lead by a “head” (pun intended). We are making it WAY to easy for them.
This is not supposed to be easy for them, we are supposed to make them work for it, remember the whole milk, before the cow thing?
Girls used to be able to open a door with just a smile by the age of 13 and open a mans wallet with nothing but a wink by the age of 15.
(Sluts can skip this paragragh, you wouldn’t relate) Remember when a girl would play hard to get, and if/when she blessed a boy with her presence she would by time and when I say by time, I mean BUY time before she ever even got close to giving “it” up?
There used to be bases and they were typically granted in order. First came the date, or coming to bat. But let’s face it you had to be worthy to even be considered for the game. Then came first base, or the kiss good night, most men would strike out the first few times at bat before making it to first base. Then came second base a.k.a a little boobie (in my case some big boobie) action but this would take time. The occasional excellent player would steal 2nd (VinnyVinceBoomBa), but the average guy had to stay on 1st for a while. Third base was only saved for MVP’S (a.k.a. My Vagina’s Pal) and this most definitely was an honor not to be taken lightly or advantage of (or talked about during homeroom) or you’d immediately be taken out of the game. Sliding is also acceptable as well as encouraged at this point in the game (Sliding into 3rd on your face, is still before a homerun, right?).
(Sluts, this is the part you’ll get) The homerun cums next and we (the woman) at this point just hope that our player doesn’t get traded to another team. That’s how the game went.
They are hunters by nature, and we are manipulative by nature. Don’t fuck with nature. I like being chased, I want to get off the Titanic first, I want someone else to open my jars, fix my car, and pay for dinner. Remember, if we bleed for a week we can grow humans…if they bleed for a week they die….we are clearly superior ladies….now go out and teach your daughter’s the Power of the Punani!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Does this ass make me look fat?
Okay, we all know what anorexia is right? It's when a woman can't eat, and no matter how skinny she may be, she still has a distorted body image. She looks in the mirror (all 94 lbs. of her) and says, "I'm fat."
Not to make fun, because I realize that this is a very serious illness that effects many and can lead to death.
But what about me? I have Psuedo Adipocyte (yes, I just made that up) Psuedo, being phantom...in my translation...invisible. And Adipocyte means fat cell. So therefore, I have invisible fat...a.k.a. Psuedo Adipocyte.
So what is Psuedo Adipocyte you ask? Good question...well I have this very serious medical condition so let me explain.
Everytime I look in the mirror, no matter how many lbs. I may gain, I always see this FINE young thing smiling back at me saying, "Damn girl, your lookin Goooood!!"
Don't just giggle and think it can't happen to you...it happens to all of us.
Remember that night you looked in the mirror before going out with friends and thought to yourself, "I'm fucking gorgeous"! A week passed and your friend posted pictures from that same night and you look at yourself and wonder what the hell happened! Psuedo Adipocyte my friends, Psuedo Adipocyte.
Not to make fun, because I realize that this is a very serious illness that effects many and can lead to death.
But what about me? I have Psuedo Adipocyte (yes, I just made that up) Psuedo, being phantom...in my translation...invisible. And Adipocyte means fat cell. So therefore, I have invisible fat...a.k.a. Psuedo Adipocyte.
So what is Psuedo Adipocyte you ask? Good question...well I have this very serious medical condition so let me explain.
Everytime I look in the mirror, no matter how many lbs. I may gain, I always see this FINE young thing smiling back at me saying, "Damn girl, your lookin Goooood!!"
Don't just giggle and think it can't happen to you...it happens to all of us.
Remember that night you looked in the mirror before going out with friends and thought to yourself, "I'm fucking gorgeous"! A week passed and your friend posted pictures from that same night and you look at yourself and wonder what the hell happened! Psuedo Adipocyte my friends, Psuedo Adipocyte.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Wuv, twue wuv.
My title comes from one of my favorite movies "The Princess Bride" (I thought I should clarify just in case you live under a rock or are my best friend Kimberly).
What a great movie! I mean who doesn't want the sweet farm boy Wesley that is there for our every "wish" with JUST enough Dread Pirate Roberts in him to keep things interesting?
That's exactly what I want, minus the King trying to kill me and my hero. I also wouldn't mind my Wesley/Dread Pirate Roberts to look a little less like a goof and more like Mark Wahlberg. Is this too much to ask? I think not! Is that what I got? Read on....
I couldn't have been older than maybe 8 or 9 years old when my best friend (at the time) Cindy and I decided to walk to the library which was on the corner of Bailey St. and S. Union St in Lawrence Massachusetts. This was several blocks away from our where we lived.
As we were headed down the street Cindy's older sister (by 5 or 6 years) stopped us and asked us where we were going. When we told her our destination she began to taunt us by saying over and over, "Don't go down Bailey St. the Hatch's will get you."
The Hatch's were somewhat infamous in that area as being the "dangerous, crazy, scary" family. Although I had never met them, their reputation had preceded them. Stories of gang fights in the streets and wild boys ran rampert in our town. I remember hearing about them beating a boy just for walking down "their" street. Now whether or not these stories were actually true was a totally different story.
Cindy and I looked at her older sister, laughed, and told her we weren't scared and to leave us alone. We proceeded down the street until it curved just enough for us to be out of sight. We turned to each other and siad, "Want to go to the park instead" and off we went. This memory was buried for many years, as a matter of fact...I forgot the Hatch's even existed (since I NEVER went down Bailey St.)
Fast forward to 1985, I was 16 and living a not so ordinary life (we'll save that for future blogs). Anyway, I started working part time at Riley's Roast Beef (the BEST) in order to pay rent. One of my co-workers was a girl I knew as an acquaintance in high school. Her and I became closer while working together and one Saturday afternoon she asked me to come to her house for a birthday party. I agreed and the two of us went shopping (at Zayres) for a birthday gift for the 1year old birthday boy, Mikey.
After shopping Marie brought me to her house, a three decker apartment building in Lawrence. Immediately upon entering the apartment I was speechless. The entire apartment was decorated and was overflowing with people. There were more presents for this one little boy than I had seen at my house at Christmas. It was very busy and chaotic, yet family oriented and welcoming (Everything is relative).
I was sitting at the end of the room in a rocking chair next to my friend just enjoying "people watching" and watching the little ones play, not too mention a little overwhelmed by the amount of people that were there.
It wasn't too long after this that I started to look for Mikey, the birthday boy. As I sat in my chair, I looked and thought, "that's Amy, Jason, Brant, Shane, Shaun, Kenny, etc... but no Mikey".
I swear I was just about to turn to my friend and ask where Mikey was, when I looked up and saw my friends mother standing in the doorway on the other side of the room staring at me with a slightly crazed smile. She was holding a doll (not even a cabbage patch) by the hands and began walking towards me with the doll and saying, "You haven't kissed the birthday boy".
I looked at Marie (my friend) as if looking for a way out. She smiled, leaned in and whispered, "Don't call it a doll, she'll slap you." With this I'm sure my face went white and I was a little queezy. I of course kissed the doll (Mikey) and wished him a happy birthday.
Since I had no where else to go, and was extremely freaked out I asked Marie if I could take a nap on her bed. She said yes, so off to sleep it away I went.
I woke up hours later feeling refreshed, still confused, but refreshed. As I rolled over to get up, I was HORRIFIED to find a man sleeping in the bed next to me. This was her older brother who had left the party right before I went to nap to take his girlfriend home.
Yup, you guessed it, this is the man that I would eventually marry (twice) and divorce (twice). Ahhhhh, wuv, twu wuv! (way more to this story to come!) And by the way....all the stories were true!
So, Cindy and I were deterred from our little trip down Bailey St. years earlier with the threat, "Don't go down Bailey St. the Hatch's will get you." We didn't go! We were scared...we DIDN'T GO!
But, the Hatch's still got me.
What a great movie! I mean who doesn't want the sweet farm boy Wesley that is there for our every "wish" with JUST enough Dread Pirate Roberts in him to keep things interesting?
That's exactly what I want, minus the King trying to kill me and my hero. I also wouldn't mind my Wesley/Dread Pirate Roberts to look a little less like a goof and more like Mark Wahlberg. Is this too much to ask? I think not! Is that what I got? Read on....
I couldn't have been older than maybe 8 or 9 years old when my best friend (at the time) Cindy and I decided to walk to the library which was on the corner of Bailey St. and S. Union St in Lawrence Massachusetts. This was several blocks away from our where we lived.
As we were headed down the street Cindy's older sister (by 5 or 6 years) stopped us and asked us where we were going. When we told her our destination she began to taunt us by saying over and over, "Don't go down Bailey St. the Hatch's will get you."
The Hatch's were somewhat infamous in that area as being the "dangerous, crazy, scary" family. Although I had never met them, their reputation had preceded them. Stories of gang fights in the streets and wild boys ran rampert in our town. I remember hearing about them beating a boy just for walking down "their" street. Now whether or not these stories were actually true was a totally different story.
Cindy and I looked at her older sister, laughed, and told her we weren't scared and to leave us alone. We proceeded down the street until it curved just enough for us to be out of sight. We turned to each other and siad, "Want to go to the park instead" and off we went. This memory was buried for many years, as a matter of fact...I forgot the Hatch's even existed (since I NEVER went down Bailey St.)
Fast forward to 1985, I was 16 and living a not so ordinary life (we'll save that for future blogs). Anyway, I started working part time at Riley's Roast Beef (the BEST) in order to pay rent. One of my co-workers was a girl I knew as an acquaintance in high school. Her and I became closer while working together and one Saturday afternoon she asked me to come to her house for a birthday party. I agreed and the two of us went shopping (at Zayres) for a birthday gift for the 1year old birthday boy, Mikey.
After shopping Marie brought me to her house, a three decker apartment building in Lawrence. Immediately upon entering the apartment I was speechless. The entire apartment was decorated and was overflowing with people. There were more presents for this one little boy than I had seen at my house at Christmas. It was very busy and chaotic, yet family oriented and welcoming (Everything is relative).
I was sitting at the end of the room in a rocking chair next to my friend just enjoying "people watching" and watching the little ones play, not too mention a little overwhelmed by the amount of people that were there.
It wasn't too long after this that I started to look for Mikey, the birthday boy. As I sat in my chair, I looked and thought, "that's Amy, Jason, Brant, Shane, Shaun, Kenny, etc... but no Mikey".
I swear I was just about to turn to my friend and ask where Mikey was, when I looked up and saw my friends mother standing in the doorway on the other side of the room staring at me with a slightly crazed smile. She was holding a doll (not even a cabbage patch) by the hands and began walking towards me with the doll and saying, "You haven't kissed the birthday boy".
I looked at Marie (my friend) as if looking for a way out. She smiled, leaned in and whispered, "Don't call it a doll, she'll slap you." With this I'm sure my face went white and I was a little queezy. I of course kissed the doll (Mikey) and wished him a happy birthday.
Since I had no where else to go, and was extremely freaked out I asked Marie if I could take a nap on her bed. She said yes, so off to sleep it away I went.
I woke up hours later feeling refreshed, still confused, but refreshed. As I rolled over to get up, I was HORRIFIED to find a man sleeping in the bed next to me. This was her older brother who had left the party right before I went to nap to take his girlfriend home.
Yup, you guessed it, this is the man that I would eventually marry (twice) and divorce (twice). Ahhhhh, wuv, twu wuv! (way more to this story to come!) And by the way....all the stories were true!
So, Cindy and I were deterred from our little trip down Bailey St. years earlier with the threat, "Don't go down Bailey St. the Hatch's will get you." We didn't go! We were scared...we DIDN'T GO!
But, the Hatch's still got me.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Welcome to Kelly's world.
So this is my first blog...ever! I'm feeling a little like a giant goofball but screw it...here I am and hopefully, there you are. I'm not even sure what type of blog I want to write. Funny, serious, a little of both? Any suggestions?
Fairytale daydreams
So here I sit and ponder which fairytale character I would want to be (please tell me everyone does this).
Hmmm, lets start with the process of elimination shall we?
First on my list to ELIMINATE is Tianna, from the Princess and the Frog. First lets state the obvious, I'm not black. Secondly, I already married a frog (twice). Lastly, I have no desire to live in a city that is famous for VooDoo and that a higher power has already tried to drown.
Moving on, I don't want to be Belle from Beauty and the Beast either, we all know my taste in men and I have absolutely no doubt that I would have chosen Gaston (a.k.a. VinnyVinceBoomBa).
I am a woman that requires A LOT of beaty sleep, do I really want to sleep FORVER? NO. Not too mention, I think there's a name for men that like to sneak into a women's bedroom and kiss them while they are sleeping, it's called a RAPIST! With that said, I do NOT want to be Sleeping Beauty.
I would love to own my own home in the country, I love candy, and I love kids... and even though I tell people that I want to eat their babies, it's just not true (I'm watching my weight). So the witch from Hansel and Gretal is out.
Men made of wood? Oh yeah, NOW we're talking...but wait, the only person that eats them is a whale. So for the same reason above I chose NOT to be the whale in Pinnochio. (Sorry men with woodies).
I decided long ago that I do not want to be queen and until I get a tummy tuck, nobody has any business seeing this naked ass. So, no Emporer for me...I like my clothes NOT invisible....damn those TSA agents!
I am an EXCELLENT synchronized swimmer, but I hate seafood...so no mermaid action here.
Goldilocks is an ungrateful, whining brat. "That's too hard, That's too soft, waah, waah, waah...shut up.
Alice....hmmm, now we're talking. I have much muchness! I like rabbits! I like croquet! She gets big and small...I can do that as long as I can get small by EATING! Wait, isn't there a creepy stoner cat? Shit, I'm allergic to drug addict cats. Sorry Alice.
Snow White, well she is EXTREMELY tempting! We all know that I am the fairest in the land (yes Tracey, I'm the Mary) and well let's face it, I have a thing for midgets. But I also have to admit that Evil Queen (who doesn't have a name, did you know that?) is one scary bitch. I don't love the littles (except of course for the Little's) that much.
Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo...now that's just fun to say. No really it is, try it. But do I REALLY want to spend my days cleaning up after someone else, cooking for them, doing their laundry and being their slave, doing whatever they want me to do. In the hopes that some day my Prince Charming might knock on my door and invite me to a ball then fall madly in love with me and whisk me away? Hmmmm, this sounds vaguely familiar. CinderKella it is!
Hmmm, lets start with the process of elimination shall we?
First on my list to ELIMINATE is Tianna, from the Princess and the Frog. First lets state the obvious, I'm not black. Secondly, I already married a frog (twice). Lastly, I have no desire to live in a city that is famous for VooDoo and that a higher power has already tried to drown.
Moving on, I don't want to be Belle from Beauty and the Beast either, we all know my taste in men and I have absolutely no doubt that I would have chosen Gaston (a.k.a. VinnyVinceBoomBa).
I am a woman that requires A LOT of beaty sleep, do I really want to sleep FORVER? NO. Not too mention, I think there's a name for men that like to sneak into a women's bedroom and kiss them while they are sleeping, it's called a RAPIST! With that said, I do NOT want to be Sleeping Beauty.
I would love to own my own home in the country, I love candy, and I love kids... and even though I tell people that I want to eat their babies, it's just not true (I'm watching my weight). So the witch from Hansel and Gretal is out.
Men made of wood? Oh yeah, NOW we're talking...but wait, the only person that eats them is a whale. So for the same reason above I chose NOT to be the whale in Pinnochio. (Sorry men with woodies).
I decided long ago that I do not want to be queen and until I get a tummy tuck, nobody has any business seeing this naked ass. So, no Emporer for me...I like my clothes NOT invisible....damn those TSA agents!
I am an EXCELLENT synchronized swimmer, but I hate seafood...so no mermaid action here.
Goldilocks is an ungrateful, whining brat. "That's too hard, That's too soft, waah, waah, waah...shut up.
Alice....hmmm, now we're talking. I have much muchness! I like rabbits! I like croquet! She gets big and small...I can do that as long as I can get small by EATING! Wait, isn't there a creepy stoner cat? Shit, I'm allergic to drug addict cats. Sorry Alice.
Snow White, well she is EXTREMELY tempting! We all know that I am the fairest in the land (yes Tracey, I'm the Mary) and well let's face it, I have a thing for midgets. But I also have to admit that Evil Queen (who doesn't have a name, did you know that?) is one scary bitch. I don't love the littles (except of course for the Little's) that much.
Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo...now that's just fun to say. No really it is, try it. But do I REALLY want to spend my days cleaning up after someone else, cooking for them, doing their laundry and being their slave, doing whatever they want me to do. In the hopes that some day my Prince Charming might knock on my door and invite me to a ball then fall madly in love with me and whisk me away? Hmmmm, this sounds vaguely familiar. CinderKella it is!
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